Wednesday I went into the city. And suddenly, things became clear. It was this unreal, out-of-body experience I probably couldn't recreate if I tried. So let me walk you through it. (Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. ;)
Wednesday morning, I rolled over in bed, frustrated as hell because I couldn't sleep. My stomach was hurting, and my head felt like it weighed about a hundred pounds. I woke up crying, not because of D's house, or really anything by itself, but just having an episode of sorts. I was having ridiculous nightmares and tossing and turning for about three hours, and it was just beyond the point of rationality.
I texted D, who have many fine qualities, and she came to my room and just let me cry and talk about everything that is driving me crazy. The fact that I didn't have my check (and therefore was behind on my bills), the fact that going back to school seems like such a difficult decision (when I thought it would be straightforward), the annoyance at just not being able to sleep, and my confusion on when I should go back to work.
After about a half hour, I calmed down, and laid back down, popped my headphones on, and fell asleep to Yo-Yo Ma, mildly high on sleeping pills. Legal, I assure you. Even OTC.
That brings me to my trek into the city. I woke up around 10am. Given that I had only fallen asleep around 5am, and then still woke up with a headache, plus a stuffy nose and nausea, it was only adequate that the muggy, cloudy day matched my mood.
By 12, I was tired again and the bus was at 2:20pm, so I went back to my bedroom for some quiet time. This time, the kids stayed in the living room, and I got to sleep until 1:45, when I packed my backpack with everything I needed.
Down to my last $2, I checked my only credit card on a whim and found out I would not, as I previous thought, have to go 7 hours without eating because I had no money and D doesn't have transportable (a word?) food. So into the city I went, only panicking once because I couldn't remember if I had read the bus schedule right.
I watched the third shift workers asleep on the bus with quiet amusement and found myself thinking about all the positive things I love about my job. Even though there are times when I'm bored at work, I get to wear clothes I love, I work with great people, it's not difficult or physically exhausting, and my most basic duties include a computer, a telephone, coffee, and smiling. Things I love, really. {=
As the bus pulled into the stop, it dawned on me that, no matter what my ailments, I really couldn't handle another three or four weeks of boredom and unproductivity at D's house. I need to go back to work, but when? And are my priorities straight? Or am I just being impatient and jumping on the first opportunity for entertainment? Do I just miss the paycheck?
So I put it to the back of my mind, telling myself I would write about it later, and dwell on it then. I refused to contact my boss and check out my options before I started thinking them through on my own.
In the city, I decided to take the early bus to my journaling group, so I could log computer time, and write my own journaling thoughts before I delved into the, soemtimes whimsical, prompts I faced with them. I wanted thinking space.
I still had an hour to kill, so I went to the library. I got books they had put on held for me. I went to my favorite Greek restaurant and got a gyro. And I went to this little coffee shop and got an iced coffee. Basically, I spent some time with my own brain.
By the time the bus came, and I got to my journaling group's meeting place, I was ready to stop thinking and start writing. Here is what I came up with:
I miss my job. The people, the paycheck, the schedule, the business, and the positivity.
I miss feeling productive and social. When I work, my alone time is more valuable, and I actually feel accomplished when I get things done in a day because I had to work within a schedule.
Sitting at home is putting me in a claustrophobic funk.
And:
I am afraid I will lose my job if I stay away too long.
I am worried that I will be bored and frustrated when I go back, and that has helped me rationalize staying out of work, instead of just talking to my boss about gaining some more responsibility. I recognize that I was only there two months, but she saw me as valuable enough to give me the time off. And I should see myself as valuable enough to speak up for my own learning curve.
Finally:
I want to be back at work for my birthday. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and I should get an all clear on being able to go back to work. Unlike a lot of people I know, I actually love working on my birthday. I feel special all day, and I get to be social.
My birthday is next Tuesday, so I want to be back on Monday, if my boss is okay with that. I don't think D will be okay with it, because she thinks I need more time to rest and destress. But not working is even more stressful than working, by far.
Okay, I think this is probably the longest post I've put up so far. And I know I've babbled a bit... Just let me know what you think about my decision, okay?
Wednesday morning, I rolled over in bed, frustrated as hell because I couldn't sleep. My stomach was hurting, and my head felt like it weighed about a hundred pounds. I woke up crying, not because of D's house, or really anything by itself, but just having an episode of sorts. I was having ridiculous nightmares and tossing and turning for about three hours, and it was just beyond the point of rationality.
I texted D, who have many fine qualities, and she came to my room and just let me cry and talk about everything that is driving me crazy. The fact that I didn't have my check (and therefore was behind on my bills), the fact that going back to school seems like such a difficult decision (when I thought it would be straightforward), the annoyance at just not being able to sleep, and my confusion on when I should go back to work.
After about a half hour, I calmed down, and laid back down, popped my headphones on, and fell asleep to Yo-Yo Ma, mildly high on sleeping pills. Legal, I assure you. Even OTC.
That brings me to my trek into the city. I woke up around 10am. Given that I had only fallen asleep around 5am, and then still woke up with a headache, plus a stuffy nose and nausea, it was only adequate that the muggy, cloudy day matched my mood.
By 12, I was tired again and the bus was at 2:20pm, so I went back to my bedroom for some quiet time. This time, the kids stayed in the living room, and I got to sleep until 1:45, when I packed my backpack with everything I needed.
Down to my last $2, I checked my only credit card on a whim and found out I would not, as I previous thought, have to go 7 hours without eating because I had no money and D doesn't have transportable (a word?) food. So into the city I went, only panicking once because I couldn't remember if I had read the bus schedule right.
I watched the third shift workers asleep on the bus with quiet amusement and found myself thinking about all the positive things I love about my job. Even though there are times when I'm bored at work, I get to wear clothes I love, I work with great people, it's not difficult or physically exhausting, and my most basic duties include a computer, a telephone, coffee, and smiling. Things I love, really. {=
As the bus pulled into the stop, it dawned on me that, no matter what my ailments, I really couldn't handle another three or four weeks of boredom and unproductivity at D's house. I need to go back to work, but when? And are my priorities straight? Or am I just being impatient and jumping on the first opportunity for entertainment? Do I just miss the paycheck?
So I put it to the back of my mind, telling myself I would write about it later, and dwell on it then. I refused to contact my boss and check out my options before I started thinking them through on my own.
In the city, I decided to take the early bus to my journaling group, so I could log computer time, and write my own journaling thoughts before I delved into the, soemtimes whimsical, prompts I faced with them. I wanted thinking space.
I still had an hour to kill, so I went to the library. I got books they had put on held for me. I went to my favorite Greek restaurant and got a gyro. And I went to this little coffee shop and got an iced coffee. Basically, I spent some time with my own brain.
By the time the bus came, and I got to my journaling group's meeting place, I was ready to stop thinking and start writing. Here is what I came up with:
I miss my job. The people, the paycheck, the schedule, the business, and the positivity.
I miss feeling productive and social. When I work, my alone time is more valuable, and I actually feel accomplished when I get things done in a day because I had to work within a schedule.
Sitting at home is putting me in a claustrophobic funk.
And:
I am afraid I will lose my job if I stay away too long.
I am worried that I will be bored and frustrated when I go back, and that has helped me rationalize staying out of work, instead of just talking to my boss about gaining some more responsibility. I recognize that I was only there two months, but she saw me as valuable enough to give me the time off. And I should see myself as valuable enough to speak up for my own learning curve.
Finally:
I want to be back at work for my birthday. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and I should get an all clear on being able to go back to work. Unlike a lot of people I know, I actually love working on my birthday. I feel special all day, and I get to be social.
My birthday is next Tuesday, so I want to be back on Monday, if my boss is okay with that. I don't think D will be okay with it, because she thinks I need more time to rest and destress. But not working is even more stressful than working, by far.
Okay, I think this is probably the longest post I've put up so far. And I know I've babbled a bit... Just let me know what you think about my decision, okay?
I think getting back to work would be good. Getting on a schedule and out and about would be helpful to your well being.
ReplyDeleteThere's a quote about idle hands that I'm not familiar with the correct words. But the sentiment basically is that sometimes the more time you have the smaller your world becomes. You may dwell on things or be unable to focus at all. There are times in life that one must take the time to recuperate or heal. And sometimes the first step is to dive right in...Go for it, Honey.
ReplyDelete