Forgiveness

Sometimes it's hard to forgive someone. And sometimes it's hard to forgive ourselves. But do you know what's even harder? Forgiving your past.

I find myself dreaming almost wishfully about my past and the things I could have done differently. I could have gone for that job, I could of told that guy I liked him, or I could have done better in that class.

I think of the jobs I really liked and could, no should, have kept. The friends I've lost, either through my own faults or theirs. Or the money I spent that was more of a waste than an indulgence.

I still dwell on the people who have ditched me, the employers who used me, and the opportunities I didn't take advantage of in my past.

But I've got to look forward.

You know readers, this post was inspired by a dream I had last night about being an RA at school. If you don't know, an RA is a Resident Assistant, and they basically run the dorms. I always wished I would've gone for that job - I was a shoe-in.

It doesn't help that two days ago I spent about an hour writing apologies to the people who I've scorned, and then actually sent the letters. It's was about as much for my benefit as it was for theirs. I did want them to know I was sorry, but I also felt like I needed to forgive myself.

Have you ever done that? Either written a letter or said a prayer or something to that effect to someone who was once a part of your life and now isn't?

If you wrote a letter, did you send it?

I love the book Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert. And I bring that up because in the book, Liz writes a lot. She is, after all, on a voyage of self-discovery. But one of the most important things she does, is she writes to herself. I know, it kind of sounds crazy.

It's not.

She writes to herself in a way as to reach the forgiving, loving part of herself that most of us just don't have access to. And although I haven't done it (yet), I have thought about it. Basically, it is like meditating out loud, and you're searching for the only reasonable answer to your question at that exact  moment in time.

So, for example, right now I would say "should I go to school this semester or save money and return in the spring?" And the most logical answer would be "meet with your financial aid advisor and figure out your options."

By the way, today I go back to D's house. I told her I was coming, but she didn't respond... Is that an omen?

Phew.