Buenos Suerte

I know I wrote this macho introduction Saturday about how it was DAY ONE, but this is the real day one. Today, I went back to D's from my parents' house. This is it...

Hopefully today I get the check that will allow me to go back to school. And if I can't go back to school until spring, I will figure out a better way to use my extra funds for the next few months. Like weekly massages. Yeah... Screw the medical bills. Let me focus on the real way to reduce my stress. I can't see how weekly massages could be a bad thing.

Did you read over the choice I have to make between gyms? I'm honestly torn because if I go to the gym that is farther away but cheaper, will I actually go if it means taking two buses to get there? I mean, it's great that the hours are better and that I will have access to top-notch trainers and equipment. And it's certainly awesome that I can bring a guest along, meaning I will have an excellent excuse to spend time with my best friend. But will I ACTUALLY go? I don't know...

I started a new journal yesterday, too. It's supposed to be like that guilty journal we all should have. The one that should be burned if you die? I am keeping it because we all need one to write down our fears and insecurities, and that's what this one is for me.

Lastly, I went for a run in the rain on Saturday and it was AMAZING. I never thought I'd be a runner, but in the rain, there is something liberating about not sweating to death and getting to see people look at you like you're crazy. Haha!

Until next time... ;)

(P.S. Buenos Suerte means "Good luck" in Spanish. FYI.)

Forgiveness

Sometimes it's hard to forgive someone. And sometimes it's hard to forgive ourselves. But do you know what's even harder? Forgiving your past.

I find myself dreaming almost wishfully about my past and the things I could have done differently. I could have gone for that job, I could of told that guy I liked him, or I could have done better in that class.

I think of the jobs I really liked and could, no should, have kept. The friends I've lost, either through my own faults or theirs. Or the money I spent that was more of a waste than an indulgence.

I still dwell on the people who have ditched me, the employers who used me, and the opportunities I didn't take advantage of in my past.

But I've got to look forward.

You know readers, this post was inspired by a dream I had last night about being an RA at school. If you don't know, an RA is a Resident Assistant, and they basically run the dorms. I always wished I would've gone for that job - I was a shoe-in.

It doesn't help that two days ago I spent about an hour writing apologies to the people who I've scorned, and then actually sent the letters. It's was about as much for my benefit as it was for theirs. I did want them to know I was sorry, but I also felt like I needed to forgive myself.

Have you ever done that? Either written a letter or said a prayer or something to that effect to someone who was once a part of your life and now isn't?

If you wrote a letter, did you send it?

I love the book Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert. And I bring that up because in the book, Liz writes a lot. She is, after all, on a voyage of self-discovery. But one of the most important things she does, is she writes to herself. I know, it kind of sounds crazy.

It's not.

She writes to herself in a way as to reach the forgiving, loving part of herself that most of us just don't have access to. And although I haven't done it (yet), I have thought about it. Basically, it is like meditating out loud, and you're searching for the only reasonable answer to your question at that exact  moment in time.

So, for example, right now I would say "should I go to school this semester or save money and return in the spring?" And the most logical answer would be "meet with your financial aid advisor and figure out your options."

By the way, today I go back to D's house. I told her I was coming, but she didn't respond... Is that an omen?

Phew.

Shortest post. EVER.

I just hit my first 1,000 views. BAMF.

Join the navy: See the world

What if I joined the navy? Saw the world, paid for my education bills, and got trained as a medic?

Today I saw the movie Larry Crowne, a movie about a guy who loses his retail job because he didn't have a college education and was therefore unqualified to move up in management. The movie revolved around how this man's life changed because he was met with dead ends at every job he tried after getting fired. So he went to college, and changed - his look, his house, his ride, and eventually his knowledge of economics.

But the message I pulled from Larry Crowne was different. I realized that, no matter what is going on right now, tomorrow really is a whole new day.

So what if I don't keep this job? Or I continue living rent free? So what if I go back to school and forget about working for once in my life? SO WHAT.

Maybe tomorrow I'll fly to London. Become a bartender. Join the navy.